3790 posts
Lincoln, Nebraska
Posted 31 October 2013 - 04:48 PM
Prologue
Well, great. You were so busy running away from the shambling, slow moving wall of gnashing teeth and moans, that you forgot to look where you were going, and ran right into a stray walker. Now you've been bitten. You must have the worst luck in the entire apocalyptic world.
No worries though, I'm sure you have a plan for after you're bitten right? No? Well just perfect, I guess I'm going to have to tell you how to do everything now, aren't I? You're pretty useless, you know that? I mean, you were already useless in life, and now that you've become part of the walking dead, you have even less of a chance of contributing to a successful society.
*sigh*
Well, I suppose if you can follow simple instructions, you can still be a successful zombie, right? Let's hope so, anyway.
Chapter One: The Turning
So now that you've been bitten, you're going to have to follow a few rules, as you slowly lose your individual thoughts and emotions, and become a raving flesh-seeking, rotting husk of what you once were.
Rule number one: Don't tell your friends. Hide that mark if you can, and don't let on that you've been bitten. Your ex friends are now your private selection of your first meal. The moment they know you've been bitten, they're going to have to have a long and tedious debate on whether or not they should shoot you. From their perspective, you should already be dead. Not much of a change from a normal day in high school, right?
Start making a secret list of who should be more delicious, and who might become your best allies if turned. Like a lion stalking its prey on the African savannah, target the weak ones first. Make sure you stay nearest them, so that when you have the inevitable "Let's split up, gang" moment, you can have your first pick of the selection.
Next, pick up some seasonings. You may be a mindless, flesh-devouring machine doomed to wander the earth for eternity, but at least you can be a mindless, flesh-devouring machine doomed to wander the earth for eternity with impeccable taste for the culinary arts. When you're chowing down on your Chinese friend, won't it be nice to spice it up with some soy sauce, or add some chili powder to your Mexican friend?
Now that we've covered the initial turning, let's go over what you can expect as a walking corpse.
Chapter Two: The Shambling
Alright, you've become a full blown, rotting zombie. Great, so now what?
To be honest, not much. Let's see, how do you walk? No, that's not right, you have to get the walk right, else how can you call yourself a proper zombie? First of all, why are your arms held out straight, and why are you walking all stiff like someone shoved a stick up your butt? You're dead! You shouldn't have that much muscle tone to keep that up for very long. Nah, you're going to have to relearn how to walk.
In order to be able to walk like a zombie, you must first understand the basic desires of the newly undead. When I ask what's the first thing that comes to your mind, what should your answer be? Waffles? What? Where'd you get that idea?? Nonono, you've got it all wrong. Your first, last, and only thought should be of food. Particularly raw flesh. Preferably human flesh.
*sigh* No…I do not have any waffles. You know what? Fine. If you want to think about waffles, that's your thing. But that needs to be your main motivation for everything you do now. Now imagine me, covered in waffles, slathered in melting butter and gooey syrup.
Good! That's the look I want you to keep on your face! A slack-jawed expression of ultimate primal desire. Completely devoid of any soul or meaning, ready to devour me in seconds if given the word.
Now when you walk, you're supposed to be loose, always ready to fall over at the slightest breeze, because your motor functions have rotted away to the point that you cannot keep yourself upright, but you have just enough ambulatory skills remaining that you can keep moving. If you run into something, don't even give it a second glance. It doesn't exist. Just keep me pictured covered in waffles, and your dead eyes fixed on me.
Perfect! Now, if I were to say, push you on the shoulder, part of your body should move with the push, but you should continue moving forward with the rest of your body, always pushing towards that delicious pile of human flesh-err…waffles in front of you.
Now that you've got the walk going, how about we try that voice out?
Wow, that's a lovely singing voice you got there, but it's terrible for a zombie. Hmm, let's try shoving concrete down there. Hold still, this will only take a second! There, now try again.
Okay, you sound like the dead, but it lacks…a certain soullessness. Imagine yourself at Christmas, and your parents just got you a puppy. Got it? Good, now I just took that puppy and put it into a blender.
There we go! Yes! That is the perfect moan of a soulless, flesh eating monster! Now, we need to work on the upkeep of being a zombie. You're going to want to last as long as possible before you rot into just bones, right?
Chapter Three: The Maintenance
Being a zombie is not as easy as it sounds, you know. It requires constant work to keep yourself in peak physical condition, and even more work to make yourself somewhat presentable. Consider yourself lucky, you just got bit. Some zombies don't even have a face, because they've been shot up close with a shotgun, or parts of them have rotted off.
One huge way to make sure you don't succumb to the ravages of Mother Nature, is to use harsh chemicals. Bleach is essential, because it keeps the bacteria from proliferating on your skin. Don't use too much, or you might end up looking like the lead singer in an 80's pop music video. A little goes a long way. If you can get your hands on it, formaldehyde is an afterlife-saver. It's the best preservative, but it's fairly expensive in the quantities you would need.
Don't worry about clothing, seeing as how the more your clothes get shredded, the fancier you look as a zombie. But let it happen naturally. You see too many of the young, hip zombies pre-shredding their cloths to look more in-style. I personally don't like it, but whatever floats your boat I suppose.
Keep away from certain climates. The swamp might seem perfect at first, but you'll only end up falling in quicksand, and spend the rest of your rotting afterlife breathing mud. Not fun. The desert is okay, because bacteria wouldn't last long in the heat, but the wind and sand are really your worst enemy, because erosion is a real problem to a dead person. Imagine getting an industrial sandblaster, and pointing it at your face. Ouch. The winter can be dangerous as well. If you absolutely must cross a snowy area, be cautious of frozen lakes. Too often you see unwary zombies fall right into the lake, and have to wait until next spring before they can get out.
Okay, so now that we've covered basic maintenance, let's discuss your prey.
Chapter Four: The Hunger
Oh yes, I knew you'd be excited about this part. Now, what should you be eating? You're dead, so what's a good diet for a zombie?
Well that's tricky to answer. Since you're dead, you can't digest anything. But you have this insatiable hunger for fles-I mean…waffles. What do you do? Well, some choose to just stuff their faces without a single thought as to what is and is not good to eat. You've seen those really fat, distended bastards who've got bits of meat still in their mouth? Yeah, not very attractive at all.
You can either choose to be one of those, or you can be a discerning zombie, and only eat when you have erm…room in your body. Since you're dead, you can actually eat just like all of the popular supermodels, and throw everything up when you're done devouring everything in site. I do want to point out though, that its poor etiquette to do so at the dining table or wherever you manage to capture your prey. Do so in your downtime at a dumpster, or in an empty baby carriage (the little bastard's not using it anymore, why not?). That way, whenever you do happen across your prey, you have an empty stomach to fill with more of your favorite food.
Try to put a little variety in your diet. Taste is everything now, and you should be thinking about what sounds good, not just devouring what's running in front of you.
Speaking of running, what about those who haven't died yet?
Chapter Five: The Defense
You see those fleshy pink things? Remember being one of those? Good, I'm glad you still remember those days, before your new best friend took a chunk out of your arm.
I'm sure you remember that you used to carry weapons, to prevent from being attacked by the very creature you have become. That's what we want to avoid. Guns bad, defenseless, pink meat bags good (and tasty).
You can prevent yourself from being a member of the permanent dead by following basic rules you would have if you were still alive.
Travel in groups. Everybody knows that it's hard to kill a large group of zombies without high explosives. Let your numbers be your strength. You're all going for the same goal, so why not work together?
Choose your haunt wisely. Make sure that wherever you decide to wander around, it is sure to be a place filled with the non-dead. Places like hospitals, malls, schools, or any other place that has lots of people in it. Make sure you stay away from dangerous areas such as places with hazardous chemicals, explosives, high concentrations of weapons, and open fields. You don't want to be that one zombie that got taken out at the beginning of the apocalypse, do you?
Epilogue
Follow these simplified rules, and you just might become a successful part of the undead community. Hopefully you can contribute more than when you were alive, and bring about the end of the human species.
Happy Halloween everybody!
